Around the same time last year, I sat down to write about how my 2018 was. Reading back, last year for me was all over the place. It wasn’t catastrophic, though there were failures here and there, but it wasn’t much of a success either.

I had hoped that 2019 would be a better year for me, personally and professionally. And to be honest, this year has also been a little…meh. Sure, there have been some success, and maybe no failures (none that I can think of anyway), but all in all, I would say that for me, things have been…stagnant.

Personally, I don’t feel as if I’ve grown much, if at all. I feel as if most of who I am today is similar to how i was three hundred and sixty-five days ago. Professionally, nothing’s changed either. It feels like I’ve been in a limbo. It’s like being tugged in different directions, but not actually moving. I had a few projects and things in mind at the start of the year, but plans kept getting changed, out of necessity or not.

Being agile, changing direction when circumstances change is part of living. But in life, despite changing directions many times, the end destination rarely changes. Often times we sidestep, or climb over obstacles to get to an end place. Like songbirds in migration, whose flight path changes based on wind, but always heads south to escape the winter. For me though, it feels like I’ve been going in circles.

In a way, I’ve been very fortunate to have been able to stay “in limbo” for so long. With a lot of help from a lot of people, I’ve had the privilege of trying out a few things here and there, despite not having everything working out. There were of course a few things that could have been, but had to be dropped because reasons.

I may have finally something to stick to, and again, the great privilege that has been bestowed upon me has allowed me to take this opportunity. Otherwise, we wouldn’t even be talking about this. I hope that this time, things will work out. I hope that this time next year, I get to look back, and be able to say, “hey, I’ve grown”.

So, as the year comes to an end, I sit down to write this introspection, to conclude that 2019 wasn’t terrible, but it could have been better. Personal and professional growth has been mediocre at best, but I have to be thankful that at least I have the privilege to have a ‘meh’ year, something not a lot of people are even allowed to do.

And you know what, maybe starting 2020, I will do a ‘personal’ impairment, start from zero, and build myself up again. It might be a low base, but hey, it’s a new, new start. A chance, something I think I owe myself.

Occasionally we do bad, but that doesn’t mean we can’t try to do better.

To 2020.

Mike Mains and The Branches: Everything’s gonna be alright –

Jump off the train you’ve been riding on
Wash the regret from your hands
You gotta fill your mind with new horizons
Or your dreams will pack their bags
Break this spell
Get out of bed
When you get up in the morning
Put a spring in your step
shake the dust off of your feet
Step out into the street